Back to Truth, Back to Jesus

I was practically born in church.
No, really.
My mom went into labor at church in Honolulu just three weeks after her 21st birthday, and I probably spent more time in church or participating in church-related events throughout my childhood than I did anything else. 

If you've read any of my other entries, you know by now that I'm extremely competitive, and I also happen to be a recovering people pleaser- so add all that up and I DOMINATED memory verse challenges.
 Every.
 Single.
 One. 
I would recite the Scripture, and then mentally spike God's word and do a Baptist-approved victory dance, which probably consisted of clapping to Victory in Jesus just a little off the beat and 'smiling with my eyes.'  I would ask for forgiveness after peeking through my fingers during the closing prayer.  I'd run through the sanctuary when people weren't looking.  I'd take seconds of cheesy potatoes and act like it was my first helping.  And I'd memorize Bible verses for praise and candy.

Between church and my awesome godly parents, I was daily immersed in God's word.  Scripture was woven into my mind and memory, as well as my pillow case and most of my screen printed tees.  As a parent, I'm more thankful for this than I ever have been.  God promises that His word doesn't return void, and that if we hide His words in our heart, it will help guide our path.  I don't regret learning a single verse, and if I'm being honest, I don't regret a single helping of cheesy potatoes either. 

I love cheesy potatoes.

All that said- pounding something into the short and even long term memory does not guarantee change, it doesn't touch your heart until your heart is ready.  In my case, I was so accustomed to the language that I got lazy and began to callous myself to the truth, and the truth behind the truth.  I wouldn't say I stopped appreciating my salvation, but I definitely numbed myself to the gravity of God's greatest gift, and that's bad potatoes folks. Rotten...left in the bottom of the pantry...search desperately for the source of the smell for 44 days bad potatoes. 

The thing with rotten potatoes is that they not only destroy your chance at enjoying the potatoes, but they also fill the rest of the pantry with a stench that ruins your appetite for anything inside.  The smell makes it hard to want to try, why go to all the trouble of cooking at all?  So you just settle for Chinese takeout.  Money out, carbs and MSG in.  Bad potatoes=no good for your health.  Revelation says that the Church of Ephesus left their first love, and I think that's a little like bad potatoes.  I might be reaching on this analogy.  Just go with it.

Anyway, I felt distance between God and I, and it felt like maybe I'd lost my first love.  I realized that it wasn't bothering me like it should and this was a problem, so I got to fixing my problem.  I tried to stimulate my emotions by digging into the details of the crucifixion.  If I could understand the physical pain Christ endured a little better, maybe I'd be given renewed purpose. 

Side note: I tend to tread lightly on the 'stimulating emotions' topic all together.  Growing up, I stood tall on the fact that Faith is not feelings.  True, it's not, but I now have a healthier understanding of why God built me to have the emotions and feelings that I have.  I believe He was intentional about emotion, and it is absolutely part of the designed creation that we are.  It's often noted that Jesus wept, and more than that-- I bet he laughed.  Side note on my side note (it's my blog, I'm allowed): When I'm in the darkest moments of my days, I think about Jesus laughing.  It overwhelms me.  That might be just me.  Moving on- I also believe God sometimes draws us to Him through emotion, He wants us to feel Him.  I do believe that emotions must be checked and not always acted on, and Faith is not based on emotions, but I truly wish having emotion or being emotional wasn't always portrayed in such a negative light, it's a fine line... just saying.  Okay I'm done. 

Back to my quest for understanding.  I tried to study the pain Christ probably suffered to put things in perspective, but it wasn't the physical torment that woke me back up to Salvation.  Watching the Passion of the Christ  isn't a fix for complacency.  I then tried to listen to different sermons talking about why it's just peaches to have a relationship with Christ.  I heard some preachers touch on the do's and don'ts and why we need to strive for holiness.  I thought yes, but being called a good person isn't a good enough reason to give my life to someone.  If I wasn't already a believer, I wouldn't want to give up a life of doing what I want right or wrong for a good-person medal, or slap on the back.  Other preachers would talk about how God will bless your life if you live for Him.  Okay but come on, I knew that.  I believe it, and it's great, but the possibility of a blessed life didn't awaken my passion either.  The most articulate, eloquent preacher couldn't help me rediscover the fire I needed.  Notice all the "I" in these attempts?

Then one night I was reading in I Corinthians 2, and something in me stirred.  Paul writes, "And I, when I came to you, brothers, did not come proclaiming to you the testimony of God with lofty speech or wisdom. ² For I decided to know nothing among you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. ³ And I was with you in weakness and in fear and much trembling, ⁴ and my speech and my message were not in plausible words of wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power, ⁵ so that your faith might not rest in the wisdom of men but in the power of God."  Wait.  So I couldn't revive my own soul?  Answers weren't the answer?  I was then reminded of a passage in I John.  "See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are."  So if I approach Him humbly, He'll do the rest simply because He loves me?

It wasn't about being inspired by fancy words, it wasn't about being motivated by possibilities of blessings, it wasn't about being frightened into submission by man-made standards...it has always been about being loved by Jesus.  Paul says he didn't come with lofty speech or wisdom, he purposed to know nothing except Yeshua, Jesus.  It's always about Jesus, it's always about Love.  We love him because HE FIRST LOVED US.  He started this love thing, and let me just tell you little lady-- Love is bigger than any motivational sermon or possible reward could ever be.  Chapter 2 goes on to explain that we as natural people cannot even comprehend this Love, it's conveyed to us through the Spirit as only the Spirit understands God's unconditional love for us. 

Wow!  When trying to renew purpose in my Christian walk, I assumed I needed to simply gaze at the Cross or try figure out why I was given what I was given on my own.  While the Cross is where the Love came to earth, Love didn't stay there, and neither can my relationship with Love.  The Cross is just the beginning!  It's like ending In Christ Alone  after the 'here in the death of Christ I stand' verse.
Gasp

He didn't die for me and stay dead, He rose and now while He prepares my home in Heaven, He left me with His Spirit.  He speaks with me, He mediates with the Father on my behalf, He cares what I'm up to and how I'm feeling.  He understands what I'm up to and how I'm feeling.  He's perfect, and yet He loves me enough to forgive me every time I hurt Him if I'll just ask.  He dries my tears, He picks me up, He laughs with me, He holds me.  That's why I want to live for Him.  Not only did my Savior die to save me, but He wants to walk with me so I'm never alone.  He promises to be here with me until I get to see Him face to face.  He has written me in the palm of His hand.  He delights in me, I'm His child.  He doesn't just want my decision to accept Him, He wants a relationship with me.

I'm rambling, but is this making sense?  Salvation isn't just about being saved from hell, it's about being saved from having to live a life without Jesus.  Eternal life with Jesus starts the day we take Him as our Savior.  To me, it's beautiful and incomprehensible.  Back to the Truth, back to Jesus.  Why?  Because He loves you with a love you've never known.