Confessions of a Driveaholoc

As yall know I commute to my offices in Lakeville and Duluth from my home in Sartell, Minnesota.  It's approximately 75 miles (2-2.5 hrs in traffic) to Lakeville and 150 miles (3-3.5 hrs in construction) to Duluth.  I'm past due for my 2nd oil change in the last 3 weeks  and my 2012 Chevy Silverado purchased at the end of June has 18955 miles on it to date------------point being, I drive a lot.  A lot of my driving is between 4 am and 7 am and the rest is in rush hour or after in the evening.  Thanks to Mr. President and his generous 'travel restoration' fund and the fact that the state of Minnesota knows it has exactly two and a half minutes between snow storms to get every single road fixed- I deal with a lot of summer construction and detours WILL most likely be the death of me. 

On the bright side- here are some helpful tidbits I'd like to share about being a driveaholic.

1.  Construction work takes a long time, and no one ever tells you what they're doing.  Two years of one-lane reroutes and not a single explanation.  The only thing they will go out of their way to explain is a "BUMP,"  which is almost always a rediculously small crack in the pavement that you will brace for but never actually experience, meanwhile there's not an orange marker to be found for the pothole that just caused you to spill a full hot cup of coffee on your khakis.  Here's an idea Minnesota: Skip the $600 sign you put up to mark the bump.  Skip the $600 wage you gave the guy in the reflective vest to go install the sign.  Use that $1200 and FIX THE DANG BUMP.

2.  A balloon with a hat on it will suffice for a second person so that you can use the carpool lane, or so the Wisconsin drivers believe.  I will run you over Wisonsin drivers.

3.  Speaking of out-of-staters: to all of you wonderful South Dakotans, I will say this.  Your license plate is very pretty, but if I see it going 68 in the fast lane for 50 miles straight I will sit on your pretty little bumper and give you the evil eye as long as I need to... so I would just go ahead an adjust your rear-view mirror if you don't like the evil eye.  Seriously- move over.  Some of us have places to be.

4.  Semis that drive the same speed side by side blocking traffic should just go ahead and remove the 'how am i driving' 1-800 number from the back of their trucks because I will call and answer that question.

5.  If you have a bumper sticker that says, "I race to win," don't drive a 96 dodge neon with your knees.  Please and thank you.

6.  Listen up guys, because this is very important.  I don't care about any previous success you've had with this in the past- YOU WILL NOT, I REPEAT NOT, GET ME ON A DATE WITH YOU BY HITTING ON ME IN TRAFFIC.  You won't get one anyway because I'm married, but what in the world happened to you this morning to make you think that when you got out of bed and put your seatbelt on in your car you were going to walk away from your commute with a girl?!  There are just too many things wrong with this.
A- You don't know me.  I could be a serial killer.  I could be married with 15 kids.  I could be from a different country.
B- Any self-respecting woman would be completely unimpressed with a guy that thinks a girl that knows absolutely nothing about him (except that he picks girls up in traffic) would go out on a date with him based on solely a pick up line and what he drives.  So if that's the kind of girl you want- be my guest hot-rod.
C-  You have ABSOLUTELY NOT A CLUE IN THE WORLD how big my butt is.  What if the lower half of my body has severe elephantitis and you've gone and asked me out based on my left arm and haircut?  Bad idea.
D-  "Hey baby you're hott do you want to meet me somewhere later" is a terrible pick-up line.  Terrible.

moving on...

7.  The middle finger seems to be the one and only response to being cut off, so be prepared to be flipped off often if you drive a lot.

8.  "I was just trying to escape my need for perfection and have a moment of rebellion" will not get you out of a ticket for not wearing your seat belt, even in a Cub Foods parking lot.

9.  Honking rarely scares white-tail deer, it mostly puts them into shock so they freeze while you're still going 77 mph straight at them.  I suggest swerving or flashing your brights.

It's all I got but hopefully it helps!  Drive safe yall!