A Thunderous God with a Still Small Voice

Let me tell You!  This week I have been ridiculously busy.  We had hail hit in three different cities in my state which means I spent more time on a roof than I did in my bed.  Charlie has been acting like he's stinkin Paris Hilton- how DARE I place his juice cup on the cork coaster instead of the ceramic one!  And on top of this, my husband left town to be with some friends in Iowa for five days (which he never does so I'm happy for him.......really....I am :) . So you see God, this is why I didn't get to my devotions every day this week!  Sometimes, I find that I get too comfy with the Almighty Creator of the universe.     I dangerously mistake his new mercies every morning for a man in the sky with selective Alzheimer's.  I treat him like I treat my boss, like He doesn't really know what's going on or that I'm screening His calls.  I think to myself, Jesus is loving, He is kind and understanding, He is such an intimate Friend that sometimes, a lot of times, I forget how BIG God is.

I play piano and sing for the worship team at church and we had our weekly practice the other night- the songs were great, but I found myself going through the motions and praying that our ending prayer would finish quicker than it was.  Sue, my dear friend and fellow worship leader, was praying for the other leader and for my week.  Sue's gift is compassion, unfortunately mine is not.  But I really do want to work on that....really....I do.
Anyway, I come home and decided to try and nail down a few tricky parts on one of the songs with more accidentals than normal notes and I come up with a beautiful melody line that I think would make a great new song.  Normally when I get distracted like this, it's at least worth it as I can write very quickly and the lyrics come to me as the melody does.  The lyrics started coming, but the hypocrisy tasted like blueberries dipped in horseradish coming out of my mouth.  "All that I am, All that I want to be, is to know you more Jesus, to live so the world will see."  I couldn't put my finger on the problem, so I wrote it off as bad creativity and called it a night.

That night I'm comfortably sound asleep, the kind of asleep where the house burns around you and you go peacefully and warmly into heaven, when all the sudden the loudest noise I've ever heard shot me out of my bed and landed me beside it on my knees completely terrified.  My first thought was that the cement factory across the frontage road had somehow exploded and the mushroom cloud (from cement??? I was apparently very tired) would come barreling through the windows at any moment.  Once my thoughts collected, I realized it was thunder.  I did not know thunder could be this loud, and the stranger thing was that there was no lightning flashes or rain I could hear after the crash.  My second thought, following the impending mushroom cloud, was that someone needed my attention.  Here I was on my knees, in sheer terror of simply a sound, a sound in the sky made by my God.  How BIG this God was!  He could wake an entire county with one collision of clouds like it was nothing!  We Stearns County folks can barely get our tornado sirens to go off when there's a twister...I know this because with the last round of storms I ran from wide open window to wide open window begging my husband to turn down his comedy so I could hear the siren I thought I was hearing over the wind.  The radio broadcaster had said we needed to be "weather alert," which was a phrase I VERY quickly adopted into my panicked vocabulary for the evening (one of the great lakes deterred any twisters where I grew up, so naturally every time there's a warning, Charlie and I go on lockdown)..  "Um, Andy, I'd love to stir the taters, buuuut I can't dear; I'm trying to be 'weather alert!'"  "Charlie get away from the porch, that's not very 'weather alert!'" "Andy, you be 'weather alert' at the front door and I'll go upstairs and be 'weather alert' by our bedroom window."  Charlie couldn't resist his new window knocking habit so he found himself in 'weather alert' timeout in the safe room.  Needless to say by the storm's passing, my collected husband made me swear on the burnt taters that I would never use those two words again.   Back to the other night, I started thinking about how although God sometimes talks to us when we're willing to hear with a still small voice, or with subtle convictions through His Spirit, that does not make Him any smaller than He is.  He is still our creator, He is still the Just Judge sitting on His throne loving us little screw-ups simply because that's who He is.  I turned in my Bible, still hovering on my floor, to Job 37. "At this also my heart trembles and leaps out of its place.  Keep listening to the thunder of his voice and the rumbling that comes from his mouth.  Under the whole heaven He lets it go, and His lightning to the corners of the earth.  After it His voice roars; He thunders with His majestic voice, and He does not restrain the lightnings when His voice is heard.  God thunders wondrously with His voice; He does great things that we cannot comprehend. He loads the thick cloud with moisture; the clouds scatter His lightning.  They turn around and around by His guidance, to accomplish all that He commands them on the face of the habitable world.  Whether for correction or for His land or for love, He causes it to happen.  Hear this, O Job; stop and consider the wondrous works of God.  God is clothed with awesome majesty.  The Almighty- we cannot find Him; He is great in power; justice and abundant righteousness He will not violate.  Therefore men fear Him; He does not regard any who are wise in their own heart."  Wow.  For God to be God, He is as Just and Righteous as He is Loving and Merciful.  "The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge."  

I have been profoundly convicted by this, and yet I'm comforted at the same time.  My Savior is the kind of Savior that will answer my 'help- me- find- my- keys- prayer' twice a week, and He is also a God that hates my sin as much as he hated the sin of the man who dared try and catch the ark of the covenant when he knew he wasn't to touch it.   I'm now praying that I never forget how Big He is, and that I remember to keep reverence and fear a priority lest I be woken again with thunder or worse.  

COLD HARD TRUTH- it's not about you!

I've talked about my husband and my son, a little about my childhood, but I want to talk seriously about the most important thing to me, and if you're on your way to heaven, it is to you as well.  Don't stop reading- I'm not crazy.  "Jesus Freak"  "Bible Thumper"  Yes and yes, but not crazy.  Let me tell you a story.  Once upon a time, we didn't all get here by two self created specks of dust colliding.  We were created by God, an all powerful God of Love.  God created the heavens and the earth and on the earth he placed Adam and then Eve.  Adam and Eve were created in God's image and they were perfection until they broke the one and only rule they were given (Charlie knows a thing or two about this :).  Since God was Holy and perfect their relationship was broken and the human race was condemned to death.  God is a good and just judge and all good judges have to punish the wrong.  However, because, "God loved the world so much, He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes on Him should not perish, but have everlasting life." John 3:16  Our crimes against the Holy God (sin) still had to be paid for, but instead of letting us pay for it ourselves God sent His perfect Son to come take that payment for us through his death on the cross.  Jesus Christ gave His life and bore our punishment so that we may be made right with God should we choose to accept His gift.  "I am the way the truth and the life, no man comes to the Father but by me," Jesus says in John 14:6.  It's not about religion, it's not about a set of rules, it's not about what your past looks like or your good vs. bad works.  Here's the cold hard truth- it's not about You at all!  We live in a society that looks for any excuse to get rid of this message.  It's not tolerant, it doesn't support evolution, mainstream media and pop culture abhor it.  Let me ask you something, if you haven't already put your trust in Christ what are you missing?  You know you're missing something.  God placed a desire for Him in everyone, and it can only be fulfilled with Him.  We try to fill the hole with material success, with friends, with relationships, with temporary joy that ultimately ends in disappointment.  None of that is satisfying because none of that is eternal, and we are eternal beings!  We have hearts and souls and a natural drive to love and be loved!  I could go on and on, but what I want you to know is this- God sees, knows, and understands your heart....He made you!  He knows your darkest thoughts and yet He still loved you enough to send His Son to pay your penalty over 2000 years ago.  All you need to do is accept that His gift is what it is and you too will experience the way, the truth, and the life.  Real, true, everlasting, life.

Andrew

I met my husband when I was fifteen years old at a Bible camp in southern Minnesota.  He was sixteen at the time and he was "THE" boy at summer camp.  Tall, tan, muscles everywhere, gorgeous smile.  At the time I had two very close friends- Liz and Jenna.  Liz and Jenna were beautiful and popular and every boy they came in contact with melted at the two of them.  Little bit of background on Liz and Jenna:  They stole the camp counselor's video camera every evening and taped themselves going to the bathroom and eating Little Debbie's in their sleeping bags and titled their adventures, "Live with Liz and Jenna!"  Not once......but every single summer they did this.  And every year they got funnier....and prettier....and togetherER.  Inseparable.  I'm sure you don't sense any jealousy there at all. :)
Anyway.
Andy was their type of guy and they were his type of girl, but God had another plan.  His plan was me, and I'm so glad He saw it through!  I'll never understand what my husband saw in me when I was fifteen. I closely resembled a twelve year old that might very well never hit puberty.  At 5'4'' , 85 lbs, and covered head to toe in freckles, I was hardly worthy to run the lights for the "Live with Liz and Jenna" show... but here we are!
Looooooooong story short- Andy and I wrote letters and emailed just about every day for two and a half years and then went to the same Bible College in central Iowa.  Yep, Iowa.  Two years later Andy proposed on the steps of the state capitol building, (yes Iowa has buildings) and we were married the following summer. I was nineteen and Andrew was twenty.  I've learned many hard lessons throughout our 7 years together, but God has continually shown me how to grow in my love for Andrew through my love for Him, and let me tell ya....it's worth it.  If you know Andy or I, you know we are both firstborn, headstrong, stubborn, fight to the death, competitive even if it's Tennis and neither of us could give a frog's nostril about Tennis, type people.  The ability to sleep in a trunk 6 months pregnant because I refused to give in to an argument about lumpy mashed potatoes can be debilitating to a marriage, but God has shown me the beauty in bringing two driven, crazy intense people together as well.  More about lessons later.

I'm only twenty-one and I can't pretend to give advice or counsel marriage after not quite three years of it, but I will promise without going into detail that my little three year old marriage has seen more than some lifetimes do, and I sincerely pray that the things I've learned and am learning will speak to someone out there who might be struggling with similar obstacles.

I'm reading this post and realizing that I'm writing in circles, and this type of disorganization normally drives me nuts, but think about it- this is a blog.  What in sam hill is a BLOG?  It's a weird word, and an even stranger concept. Ask my Granddaddy from Hurricane, Mississippi if he ever 'blogged' when he was young and he'd say, "No ma'am.  But I near reckon I prolly shot one er two of them in the crick."  Granddaddy shot everything in the crick.  Everything that was shot was shot in the crick. More about the crick later.

Points to be made here- God has a plan and He doesn't care how pretty you are, and for goodness gracious don't stand too close to the crick.

Charles

When I learned I was having a son, I was overjoyed.  My husband and his mother are very close and I assumed my relationship with my son would be as close knit as every other "mama's boy" I've come across.  My son is NOT a mama's boy.  You've heard people say, "Oh she looks just like her mother's baby pictures!"  My son not only looks like my husband's baby pictures but he also very much resembles the adult version.  Head to toe, he is a miniature version of Andrew.... I was quite simply an incubator, the woman that would bring father and son face to face, never to part.  As the two basically gaze into each other's eyes sun-up to sun-down I often use this fact to help them remember I am here.  I absolutely love when people refer to families with only sons as having the mother be the "princess, or queen of the family" or something equally lovely.  I don't know who they know.  I am no princess, but rather the humble maid to King 1 and King 2.  Sometimes I feel like I should be jealous of King 1 and King 2's relationship, and once and a while I feel a slight twinge of envy, but for the most part I am thankful that my husband is the father he is.  God knew I needed a husband that can get along fine by himself with my son from time to time; God's plan for me so far has kept me quite busy.

What I am genuinely concerned about on a daily basis is the way Charlie entertains himself.  When it comes to playing, Charlie is a very different little boy.  For instance I took him to play at a common play zone for kids at our mall.  Once his shoes were off, Charlie took about 30 seconds to survey his grand surroundings.  There were logs to jump on, a big rubber truck to slide down, and play tents and lilly pads to play in.  Kids were everywhere playing with the obstacles and racing around tagging one another.  Not Charlie though.  Charlie looks back at me and smiles and I look forward to seeing how he interacts with the other kids.  What happened next is the what makes me wonder about what kind of TV Charlie sneaks out of his crib to watch.  Charlie runs to the nearest child, who happens to be a little Korean girl, grabs her arm and licks it from wrist to elbow.  The Korean girl is too stunned to move for about 4 full minutes.  My little blondie then releases the poor girl's arm and retreats to the corner of the play zone (tripping several times over people's shadows).  He brought his nose to the corner of the matted walls and screamed, "Doggy!"  As he finished his scream he brought his little gray sock to his ear like it was  a phone. With one swift movement Charlie looked back at the Korean girl and smiled brightly, and then turned back to the corner and began laughing hysterically at whoever was on the other end of his imaginary sock phone.  Other moms started watching and pointing and I slowly began to think, "Hmm.......this might not be normal."   What's so great about normal though?

Once upon a time....

Hello, today I decided to start a blog.  Why?  Because I like to talk, I have a crazy life, I get an occasional laugh out of my daily life stories (mostly having to do with my funny little toddler), and God teaches me many wonderful things I'd like to share with others that may benefit!

Here's a little background that will help understand what's behind some of the things I share on here.  I'm twenty one years old with a three year old marriage and a beautiful twenty one month old product of my marriage.  Don't ask what I do for a living because the first two answers that come to mind are, "i don't know" and "um what don't i do?"  I've never cared for that question. Don't get me wrong I understand why we as a society ask it- it helps us understand each other, or classify what category we belong in: stay at home mommy, part time book-store worker, career woman.  I've just never felt comfortable answering this question with confidence... I'm a natural born people pleaser, but I'm coming along.

Moving on- I met my husband at a Bible camp when we were teenagers, we wrote letters and emails for two years without cell phones as we lived about 6 hours apart.  Eventually, we ended up at the same Bible College in Iowa and were engaged and married two years later.  He is wonderful, and yet still a man.  More about Andrew later.  Four months after we were married I found I was pregnant with our son Charlie.  Most mothers would spout something poetic and touching like, "Charlie is the light of our lives, he is what brought us together and taught us what true love is."  While that mush makes me grimace from cliche it is true, but how I would BEST describe Charlie Bryan is, "extremely clumsy, very sticky, really hungry, and ridiculously hilarious." Up until two weeks ago, Charlie addressed me only as, "DOGGY."  This says something about my son, but more than that it says something about my husband.  Everything a child knows, he is taught.  When my husband jokingly taught my son to call me "DOGGY," what he didn't realize is that Children are less easily 'untaught' something.  I have been doggy for nearly a year.  More about Charlie later.

As for the "what do i do" question- here goes.  I am a daughter of the Almighty God of Heaven, a wife to a delightfully sarcastic ESPN loving full time college student, a mother to a heaven-sent little goblin, a traveling financial rep for a contracting company, and a songwriting- guitar and piano playing-Steven Curtis Chapman stalking-striving musician.  So there ya have it, the beauty of the "where do you see yourself in five years?" question for me is that I don't have the slightest clue.  Maybe I'll be a missionary in Tibet.  Maybe I'll be on stage opening for some amazing gospel or country singer.  Maybe I'll be pregnant with my fourth child.  Maybe I'll still be on roofs telling folks how bad their hail damage is and how much their insurance policy will cover.  I don't know and that's okay, there's nothing wrong with a story still being written and an author just along for the ride.  God is good, and He is who my life belongs to.  He is who my troubles rest on, and my uncertainty finds rest in His peace.  He is my song.

So this is beginning, hopefully someone out there will read my words and be changed in some way.  We all have stories to tell, and mine happens to be full of hard and meaningful lessons and sprinkled with lighthearted moments throughout its pages.