I was talking to an old friend and a fellow blogger last night about some of the things that have been happening in the Helmer household and he urged me to keep writing so that I don't forget. As for why I haven't been writing- I'm working five 16-hour days a week and basically spending my weekends recovering enough to bathe my lifeless body before Monday...I've fallen asleep in the shower twice in the last two weeks. We are wrapping up our busy season and I moved into ownership in June so it has been insanely insane- but I am thankful to have a good job in this shifty economy. Speaking of economy, I haven't taken much time to learn the campaigns this election year and yet I woke up this morning with one question in my mind-- Did Obama name Obamacare after himself or was it an aftershock from the republicans? My ignorance in this campaign is wretched I know but I feel that knowing the answer to this question would say a lot about good ol' hope and change. I should probably study up.
On to the State of the Helmer Address! Here's what all yall you need to know------ Charlie Bryan sings NONSTOP and it is HILARIOUS. I don't know where he learned to sing like he does but he gets this really high-pitched voice going and he takes himself very seriously. He's committed to learning every action to every Blue's Clues tune and he sounds out most of the melody and echoes as he goes. When he can't say the word- he goes into lip-sincing, which is equally adorable because the shapes he makes out with his mouth don't at all match little Steve Burns and his jazz hands...my little man is plain cut out for Japanese television. If you don't know who Steve Burns is . . . you need to take a little walk outside, get yourself a frappacino with java chips, and throw your arms in the air and thank the Lord for this blessing. I DO NOT LIKE STEVE BURNS. First of all, Steve is not teaching children... he is depending on them to find his girl dog that looks like a boy. Secondly, aside from his complete lack of self respect, he has some clinically serious hearing issues. For example, when the little children yell, "The mail is here!" and the purple mailbox pops out with his cute little Boston accent, Steve sings his mail song right on Que----HOWEVER--when the children yell, "There's a clue! There's a clue!" (which is the whole stinkin point of the show) Steve goes into a state of complete hearing loss. "What's that? My name is Sue?" "No! A clue a clue!" "A cow goes Moo??!" "No! A clue a clue!" If I was one of those children I would kick him in the shins, walk off the set, and never look back. When Charlie turns three- we are done with Blue's Clues...I'm afraid his intelligence will start regressing.
As you know, Charlie loves animals...LOVES them. He's had this little spaniel-looking dog since his first birthday and "Doggy" has been part of the family ever since. About six months ago, I took Charlie garage-saling and his eye caught a playdoh-covered stuffed golden retriever. "Puppy" has been part of the family ever since. He's very creative when he names his dearest dogs. These two sleep tucked in by his head every night, but that's not the end of it. About a month ago, Andy and I decided we would take him to the Como Zoo in the twin cities thinking that since Charles loves animals he would enjoy seeing some big ones. Wrong again. We sat there trying our hardest to get him interested in the monkeys and giraffes and zebras and Charlie couldn't give two hoots or a holler. We were feeling down about wasting the day when we cut through the gift shop on our way out. The gift shop was like any other zoo shop- filled with adorable stuffed adorables from the great animal kingdom. There were fluffy pandas, sweet little seals, soft lambs and we pulled a cute little koala for Charlie to hold, but Charlie wasn't interested in the Koala. He ran fast as I've ever seen him move and dug out an animal from behind the dolphins. When he pulled it out, I had to look away. Andy looked at me and smiled. After a second of smiling and staring at me he said, "Em. We can't bring that home." I just kept looking away. When I was brave enough I looked back at my darling boy only to see him holding this animal like it was his brand new child. He set it down on the ground on it's paws oh so gently and then picked it back up on his chest and patted its back. I could hear him whispering, "Dis Baby, dis Chahyees Baby." He was completely in love, and this admiration brought "love is blind" to another level of utter blindness.
This animal was hideous. I couldn't tell what it was, but it was partially striped, and it was mostly carrot-poop orange and normal-poop brown. It had a pointy nose and short fat legs with wiry little claws.
I'm here to tell you that after an extensive google search we have learned that "Baby" is none other than a true Brazilian Aardvark and "Baby" is now just as important as Doggy and Puppy in this family. He is Charlie's baby and he protects him as I suppose the mommy Brazilian Aardvark would. He took him gently to daycare one day where he tried to share his bundle of joy with Bradley, a three year old. Bradley preceded to take Baby by the neck and shake him angrily like one of the alcoholic fathers from Friday Night Lights. Bradley then dropped Baby to the ground and gave his best kick- Baby went flying across the room. My poor Charlie dropped to his little knees, mouth gaping and tears flowing freely down his cheeks. He sat there in shock until he could gather his strength enough to go check on Baby. He picked him up, kissed his nose, and brought him back to me. He placed Baby safely in my care and said with a lump in his throat, "Mommy, dis Baby. Baby home." Then he turned slowly and walked away.
My heart broke and I too felt deep sadness for what both my baby as well as Charlie's Baby had just experienced. Baby is resting comfortably at home and the doctors have labeled him stable. We hope for a clean bill of health by the end of the week. Charlie hasn't left his side.
My boy's a lover, what can I say?
